I started seeing a career counselor because two years out of school, I am making $8.50 an hour with no real prospects on the horizon. I needed someone to help me focus and keep me motivated. Things were going well. I built a decent resume and started to see some possibilities and stopped saying "Oh, I can't do that because when I have an episode people won't be able to rely on me or my behavior will become disruptive." I started moving, slowly, but I was moving.
The last time I went to see the career counselor, a month ago, we were making small talk about my knee. It's injured (again) and I am anxious to get back on skates.
"So how long do you think you'll be out?" He asked.
"Well, I went to the doctor and he laughed when I asked about skating in November's bout."
"Yeah, but you're tough," he said.
"Well I'm tough but I'm also..."
"Beautiful," he said.
"not stupid," I said and gave him the look of death.
He laughed the way men do when they realize they had only imagined she was flirting. "That should be your business card, 'Tough, Beautiful and Not Stupid.'"
I laugh too, but I can't ever go back to him. Tonight, instead of getting the guidance and support I need, I'm struggling through a personal statement for an application I should have sent out already. It makes me want to gain fifty pounds.
Comments (9)
"I'm struggling through a personal statement for an application I should have sent out already" -- me too.
Oy. That sucks. It's nice to be appreciated and all, but help is good too.
you're absolutely sure he crossed a line?
i don't know, betty. i think you should go back. i *do* understand why you don't want to. but you need to get this together, or at the very least, ask for a referral to someone else. please do go back.
nothing should make you want to gain 50lbs. good luck, chica!
Until I learned about "the male gaze" in my women's studies classes in college, I thought I was paranoid and/or alone. I will go to any lengths to avoid someone who makes me feel that way. Career counselors are a dime a dozen - I don't blame you for finding someone else.
But remember, even if you had the extra 50 pounds I have, you'd still be subjected to the male gaze, except it would be filled with pity and loathing, a lovely combination which judges you as worthless from first sight.
Which is, of course, why the male gaze is so problematic in the first place.
Maybe you can find a female counselor to help you, don't abandon the whole enterprise!
But did he help? As well as flirt with you?
Some guys can't help themselves, they just have to flirt. (I'm married to one of them...)
If he was truly helpful as well as flirtful, maybe you should exploit his knowledge and help yourself. In the meantime, nearly all of us procrastinate, and I beat myself up over that too.
@LibraryPrincess - actually, i got the twice over from guys even when i was bigger, as I'm sure you do. Somehow it didn't bother me as much, possibly because it didn't happen as often, possibly because I felt more comfortable in my skin. Much of this, almost all of it, is about how deeply "being fat and ugly" is part of my identity and how I am being perceived in different ways than I am accustomed to. It's unsettling and I struggle with it every day.
@Smarticus - I mailed it out this morning. I let go of the idea that it had to be the greatest personal statement of all time. It was fair to middling and that's OK. My letters of recommendation are strong and I have a stellar GPA and volunteer experience in the field. As always, I was stumbling over my own damn feet.